


Back to You

by starofhemera



Category: Stray Kids (Band), changlix - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Heartbreak, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, Love, M/M, OT9 - Freeform, Romance, Slow Burn, one-sided Hanlix, platonic Aussie line, platonic Changjin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-06
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-08-19 20:08:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16541348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starofhemera/pseuds/starofhemera
Summary: Felix had always been honest with his feelings. Changbin had been in denial. A confession and a rejection leads to a moving on. Months later, Changbin came across something he should not have. With feelings he could no longer deny, he tries his best to pursue the one he had rejected. But when Lee Felix decides to move on, it takes a whole lot more to change his mind.





	1. Chapter 1

 

It hit Changbin like a truck, smashing him right in his gut, and running over him a hundred times. He clutched Hyunjin’s arm as he tried his best not to fall right there in the middle of the lobby of JYP Company’s new building where so many people could see.

“Hyung, are you okay?” Hyunjin asked, concerned. Changbin just nodded his head and continued walking. Hyunjin was seriously worried. Years of friendship with the older guy had taught him that a sick Changbin is a talkative, almost whiny Changbin. He was not any of that now. His Changbin-hyung has been silent from the moment he ran out of their practice room. Even his exit out of the room was weird. Something was definitely up, Hyunjin can tell. He just did not know what it was.

Changbin had been fine this morning. He was his usual self until earlier that afternoon when he and the rest of members found him heaving, clutching his chest, looking pale like he had just seen a ghost and suddenly announced he wanted to go home. That was really unusual. Changbin would still practice dance steps even with a fever and a cold as he did when they were still trainees. Hyunjin had been itching to know what was up with his hyung. He knew the other too well to believe that he was just not feeling well.

As soon as they were out of the building and into the parking lot, Changbin suddenly stopped walking. Hyunjin, behind him, stopped too, confused and concerned.

“Changbin-hyung, are you sure you’re alright?”

Changbin’s head dropped. His shoulders sagged and without saying anything, he just let himself fall to the ground. Hyunjin was instantly next to him, sitting himself to the ground like Changbin did and started fussing over the older guy.

“Hyung? What is it? Are you too tired to walk? I can ask the staff to help---”

He was cut off by Changbin’s sobs. Shocked, Hyunjin instinctively put his arm around his hyung in an attempt to comfort him. That was not the first time he saw Changbin cry. No, he had seen it a lot of times when they were trainees, when Felix was eliminated and when Chan wrote them that letter which moved Changbin to tears. No, that was not the first time. But the sobs coming out from Changbin was more gut-wrenching than all those times Hyunjin had seen him cry.

“Hyung! What is it? Tell me, please.” Desperate and confused, Hyunjin rubbed his palms on Changbin’s back in an attempt to soothe him. He was lost.  His Changbin-hyung was definitely hurting but he did not know what to do to make it stop.

Changbin tried to speak, to tell Hyunjin he was okay. But every time he opened his mouth, nothing came out but more sobs. It made him feel pitiful and pathetic. Why was he breaking down in the middle of the company’s parking lot of all places? He hated it. He hated it even more that he was burdening Hyunjin, one of his best friends who he should not make worry over him. The younger already had a lot on his plate. But Changbin just could not help it anymore.  

“Hyung! Please tell me what it is so I can help you.” Frustrated, Hyunjin thought of all the things that happened today that might had upset Changbin. He was a hundred percent sure that his Changbin-hyung was not crying because he felt ill. It was something else, Hyunjin knows.

Changbin was not even sure if he should tell Hyunjin or anyone at all. He felt ashamed by the fact that he was a complete and utter mess because of a broken heart. How cringy and cheesy and pathetic is that? He hated it so much he could strangle himself. He was not sick. He did not have a fever, a cold or a cough. But he felt like he was sick all the same. His chest constricted in pain as if someone just drove a knife over it a hundred times. His head throbbed and he felt like he could not shut his brain from its merciless replay of events that Changbin fought to not recall. He got his hear broken and his entire body could feel the pain.

Hyunjin ran a hand through his hair. He did not know what to do with his hyung. He reached for his phone to call Chan when Changbin suddenly spoke. With his voice breaking and tears still running through his face, the older guy took Hyunjin’s phone and put it beside them.  “Don’t call anyone. Please.”

The younger could do nothing but nod. He turned to the older and pleaded with him. “Hyung, please tell me what’s going on.” How could he help Changbin if he had no idea about what’s going on?

As minutes ticked, Changbin felt the sobs subsiding until they were gone. He was silent for a while. Just them both sitting in the middle of JYP’s parking lot. Changbin waited until he had calmed himself down. Hyunjin just waited for his hyung to say anything.

“Hyunjin-ah,” Changbin started, voice still hoarse but at least he was not crying anymore. “Do you have some water in your bag?”

“Yeah, hyung.” Hyunjin opened his bag and brought out his water bottle, still full and untouched. He opened it and passed it to Changbin. “Here.” Changbin took a sip first, then gulped half of it. His throat felt so dry.

“Are you okay now?” Hyunjin asked as the older one gave him back his water bottle. The latter was silent again. The former wished his hyung would just start talking and tell him what’s wrong. “Hyung?”

“Nothing, Hyunjin.”

And just like that, Hyunjin was ready to throw Changbin to the other side of the parking lot to knock some sense out of him.

“IT CLEARLY IS NOT NOTHING!” Hyunjin yelled. He did not mean to yell but seriously, how could Changbin think that he can just tell Hyunjin what happened is nothing and the latter would believe it.

“Changbin-hyung, I’m not dumb so just please tell me what is going on so I can help you.”

Changbin noticed the desperation on the younger’s tone. His friend wanted to help him. Help him? Can Hyunjin or anyone help him? Changbin knew he had to tell the younger. He already had stressed him enough by breaking down in his presence and now he’s trying to tell him it was nothing at all and hoping he would believe it.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He was going to admit something he could not admit months before. He was going to confess the feelings he had avoided and denied so aggressively. He was going to confess. But he was going to confess them to the wrong person.

“I broke my own heart,” Changbin rolled his hand into a fist as he heard his voice starts to break. Hyunjin did not expect that. He just looked at his hyung, speechless and lost.

Changbin continued. “He told me you know. About how he felt.” He closed his eyes again as memories started playing in his head, making his eyes water. He could hear it in his head. That deep, velvety voice telling him he was in love with Changbin. The nervousness evident by the fact that his weird accent resurfaced and his Korean pronunciation sounded off, just like when he first started and barely knew any Korean. Changbin felt his heart beating wildly as for a moment, elation washed over him until it was replaced by fierce denial. Changbin could still hear himself flatly rejected those said feelings confessed to him. He could still see it. The look of heartbreak passing over the boy’s freckled face. He could see the forced smile that came after and eyes desperately trying to hold back tears as he told Changbin that it’s alright and he hope they can still be great friends and to just forget all that happened.

Hyunjin still did not understand nor did he have any idea what’s going on or what went on.  “Who told you, hyung?”

 Changbin smiled bitterly. “It was eight months ago. He told me he’s in love with me. And I rejected him.”

Wracking his brain for anyone who might have confessed to his hyung, Hyunjin was seized by momentary shock as he registered what Changbin was actually telling him. Someone confessed their love to Changbin and it was a HE! Hyunjin did not even know his hyung like guys or since he rejected whoever confessed to him, maybe he wasn’t. But then again, he wouldn’t be sobbing his heart out if he didn’t.

“Are you I love with that person, hyung?”

Changbin was silent again. Hyunjin knew the answer now. But he wanted to be sure in case he was just misreading this.

‘I denied it. I became clingier towards you to drive him away.” Then with a bitter laugh that made Hyunjin felt terrible for Changbin, the latter continued. “It worked. He moved on.” Changbin hated the tears threatening to fall from his eyes. _Why is he crying for? Isn’t this what he wanted?_

The younger was silent again. Changbin’s statements made sense for a lot of things that Changbin did for the past months. They had always been really great friends and they were both touchy. But suddenly, Changbin was a lot clingier and touchier. Hyunjin did not really think much of it but now, it suddenly made sense. But there was just one thing: all the times that Changbin was super clingy were those when they were with the whole group. Changbin was not like that when there were just the two of us or when Minho or Seungmin or Chan was with them.

“Changbin-hyung, who are we talking about?”

Dead silence. Again. Hyunjin was starting to hate these silences. “Hyung, just tell me. I can stop guessing who it is and you can get it off your chest. We both win.”

The older played with his shoelaces, debating whether to tell the younger. It could get awkward since Hyunjin had witnessed Changbin’s breakdown and the person they were talking about was in the dance line with Hyunjin and would spend a lot of time choreographing dances for their performances. But if he did not tell Hyunjin now, the latter would bug him about it. So Changbin looked at Hyunjin directly in the eyes, determined to tell his friend everything. “It’s Felix.”

As soon as the name escaped his mouth, Changbin looked away and stared at his shoes. Hyunjin did not know how to react to that. He knew that Felix admired Changbin. He just did not guess it was to that extent.

“I don’t know what to say, hyung. Honestly.”

“There’s nothing to be said, Hyunjinnie. As I said, he’s over it.” The sadness in Changbin’s voice was unmistakable. Hyunjin felt sorry for his hyung. He decided to prod.

“What do you mean he’s over it?”   

“That trainee. The one who came two weeks before we finished the survival show,” Changbin started. Hyunjin began searching for trainees who came shortly before JYP vs Stray Kids ended. A few faces and names came to his mind. But he was not sure who among them Changbin meant.

“There were around 10 or 11 who came. Which of them?”

“The one from Australia.”

Hyunjin did not even know there was another trainee who came from Australia. But then again, maybe he did not pay attention to them since he was busy stressing out over their survival show.

“Mind helping me out here.”

Changbin sighed. “Tall, same height as you---”

Before Changbin could finished, Hyunjin quipped. “Well, of all adjectives, you start off with that.” Changbin laughed. They both do. Hyunjin felt glad his hyung actually laughed, specially after all that crying.

Changbin stopped laughing. He’s back to his morose self again. “Broad shouldered, blue eyes. That one.”

“We have a trainee with blue eyes? He’s mixed for sure.” The dancer commented.

“Yeah. Don’t know his name. I don’t really care. ” Changbin knew his voice was dipped in bitterness. But he could not help himself. In reality, he cared what that trainee’s name is. Just so he could know what name to curse.

Hyunjin still had no idea who Changbin is talking about. Maybe he had not met that trainee. “So, what does this blue-eyed trainee have to do with all of this?”

The rapper took a deep breath as he prepared himself to tell the dancer what he saw.  “I saw them in the music room on my way to dance practice.” He felt a pang of pain shot through his heart as he recalled what he saw. He swallowed the lump on his throat and told Hyunjin everything.

Changbin was on his way to dance practice when he passed one of the music rooms.  He noticed the door was not close so he thought he would close it.  He heard a voice and he was not about to pay it any mind until he heard a familiar voice. So he decided to see who was inside. He saw Felix sitting on the sofa and that trainee he saw Felix talked to many times before standing across him. He did not know what they were talking about since they were speaking English. Changbin could understand a little but not when it was spoken fast and with a very prominent Australian accent. He knew he should just shut the door and go his way but something about the conversation made him want to listen even if he had no idea what was being discussed. There conversation just sounded intense. Suddenly, there was a pause. Felix stood up, said something to the guy and before Changbin knew what was going on, that trainee was passionately kissing Felix. To say that Changbin was shocked was an understatement. His stomach dropped. His veins felt cold. He could not breathe. Cold sweat started forming on his temple. What even made it worse for Changbin was the fact that Felix was not protesting. He let that trainee kissed him hard. And just a few seconds later, he kissed back. Changbin felt dizzy. His hands were clammy and his heart felt like someone poured acid all over it. He needed to get away from there. He pried his eyes away from what was in front of him and tried to move. At first his feet felt like it was rooted on the spot he was standing. When he was able to move it felt heavy. He ran to the practice room and by the time he got there, it felt like the world was spinning. His breaths were coming out in puffs of air and his eyes were prickled with tears.

His members came in the room, took one look at him, and knew there was something wrong. They all became concerned. Looking at them, Changbin thought he would just brush this off. It was nothing. He need not miss practice for this. _Afterall, isn’t this great? He rejected Felix’s feelings, right? He distanced himself away from him and plastered himself to Hyunjin most of the time so Felix would not come cling to him. Isn’t this what Changbin wanted?_

He convinced himself he was fine. _How could he not be? Things went the way he wanted it, right?_ He could do this dance practice and forget everything he had seen. He almost had himself convinced until Felix walked in the practice room, confused at his members all huddled around Changbin.

“Is everything alright?” He asked, hitting Changbin’s ears with his deep voice and Changbin could feel the pain vibrate inside him. He made the mistake of looking at Felix, only to notice how red his lips were, a reminder that just a second ago, he was kissing someone else. Changbin could hear his heart breaking as his mind replayed that scene. He hated how that was affecting him. What right does he have to feel this way? _He does not have any._ Felix did confess to him, told him honestly of how he felt. Changbin rejected all that. Did he really expect Felix to pine over him? It was pathetic. He felt pathetic. He felt like throwing up the regret he felt buzzing in his blood stream.

“I don’t feel well. I’m going home.” He told his members who could clearly see that Changbin was not well. Chan told Hyunjin to accompany their main rapper home. Changbin rushed out of that room as fast as he could, trying to contain his emotions until he was out of the company’s building.

Hyunjin was out of words as all the things Changbin told him registered. Now he was even more lost as to what to think or feel. Felix was also a close friend of his. He could not blame him for Changbin’s pain. Not when he was actually the one who risk it and confessed and Changbin was the one who drove him away. He could not fault his Aussie friend for moving on and trying to find love on other people. But what can he say to make his Changbin-hyung feel better? It was clear Changbin felt something for Felix. If his sobbing over what he had witnessed is not proof enough, then Hyunjin was not sure what else is there to prove it. So, his hyung was in denial, rejected someone he’s clearly in love with and broke his heart in the end.  He has been Hyunjin’s good friend and good friends help each other. But what can he do to help his hyung?

Then like a bulb lighting up inside his brain, he thought of something. They had been talking about this like it’s the end when it’s clearly not. So, Felix was kissing someone, rather passionately as described by Changbin himself. But that was it. They did not even know if he was dating the other guy. It was not like Felix was marrying that trainee. They just kissed. Whatever that kiss meant, it was still just that. If Changbin tried, maybe it was not yet the end for him and Felix.

“Hyung, you’re stupid,” he told Changbin who gave him the side eye.

Changbin knew it well enough. “You don’t need to rub it on my face.”

“And you’re so dramatic.” Hyunjin said, exasperated.  “You acted you just witness Felix saying his wedding vows, pledging himself to another person for the rest of his life.”

Changbin did not even want to think about that. He stood up and got defensive. “Hey! If only you have any idea how I feel right now, you won’t dare say I’m dramatic!”  Then he sat on the ground again. “My pain is real, Hyunjin.”

The dancer let out a loud, dramatic sigh. “I don’t doubt that, hyung. You’re here in the middle of the parking lot, sobbing like the world just ended.” When Changbin was about to retort, Hyunjin cut him off. “What I’m saying is that it’s not the end.”

Closing his eyes and leaning back, the rapper answered, “He already moved on.”

“How do you know that? You just saw them kissed.”

It was Changbin’s turn to be exasperated. “Then what else does that mean? You don’t just kiss people.”

“Are they together?” The dancer asked.

Changbin frowned. “I don’t know.”

“If they are, how do you know Felix really loves him?”

Changbin asked, gesticulating wildly. “Why would he be with him if he doesn’t love him?”

“Why are you not with Felix if you’re so deeply in love with him, then?”

Hyunjin’s retort seem to work as Changbin became serious. “What exactly are you trying to say?”

“I’m saying that you should not give up. This time, make the first  move.”

“You’re suggesting I pursue him? After all I did to drive him away from me?”

Hyunjin wanted to smack his hyung so Changbin could quit this act. He clearly wants Felix for himself so it was quite obvious what he should do.

“Well, would you rather see him snog someone else? Be with someone else? Be honest, hyung. You lied before, denied how you feel. Now is the time to be truthful.”

The rapper did not need to think for an answer to that. “No. I don’t ever want to see him with someone else doing that ever again.”

Hyunjin could not help but smirk at the “someone else.”

“Well then, there’s only one thing you need to do, Changbin-hyung. Get him for yourself.”

“Just how do I do that?” Changbin hated the way his voice sounded so defeated.

“Figure it out. He figured how to confess to you. Why don’t you start with that?”

He had to try. “What if it doesn’t work?”

The younger just gave him a look that says “You’re stupid.” Changbin knew his friend had a solid point. He thought hard for a while. Hyunjin just let him.

“I think you’re right. I need to try. I’d feel even more pathetic if I don’t try.” Still feeling broken and defeated, Changbin resolved he would try to get Felix for himself. He had to. If his reaction is as intense as that a while ago over a kiss, he could not even imagine how he would feel if he knew that Felix would be even more intimate with someone else.

Hyunjin nodded his head with a pleased smile on his face. Watching romance novels and channeling the protagonist’s best friend and hype man might just pay off.

“I need help, though.”

“You got it.”

Changbin smiled a real smile this time. He knew he could always count on Hyunjin. Maybe there was still a chance for him. He got off the ground and patted the dirt off his pants. Hyunjin did the same. They walked to the car. On the way, Hyunjin nudged Changbin harshly, making the other man stumble a bit.

“What?” Changbin asked annoyed. The younger was clearly using his height advantage to send him flying across the parking lot.

With a playful grin on his face, Hyunjin asked, “How come you never told me you’re into guys?”

  


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A timeline jump from eight months ago. How Felix dealt with the aftermath of him telling Changbin how he felt and the latter rejecting him.

 

_8 months ago_

 

The cold breeze still bit on his skin. His jacket, although thick, did nothing to deter the harshness of the incoming winter. There was still a week before winter season begins but the wind was already unforgiving. Felix sat on the floor of the rooftop of the building which housed their apartment. He was sure it was already past midnight. He had been sitting there since the moment they came home from a day of grueling dance practice. They came home at ten, all exhausted and sore. While the others were busy racing each other to the bathroom to call first dibs on the bathroom, he slipped out of their apartment to get some alone time. The rooftop was his choice to go whenever he needed some space away from the other guys. He loves them of course, but sometimes, being with eight hyperactive individuals can drain a lot of your energy. But that night, Felix sought refuge in the rooftop to get away from just one member of his team. He could still hear the other person’s voice loud and clear as if it was still being said to him. Those words hurt him. It hurt him a lot. He put up the façade of being fine throughout the day. But he was so tired to keep up with his act. It was already suffocating him. He needed to breathe. 

Felix Lee had always been strong-willed. His fans though often view him as a sweet, sensitive boy whose voice is way too deep for his pretty face. While they are not exactly wrong, Stays sometimes forget that Felix was a whole lot more than just that cheeky kid whose actions could easily be a new meme. He was that 17-year old kid who made the decision to go to a country which language he does not speak to pursue a dream that does not carry any assurance of ever coming true. He was that kid who did not let the fact that he had no background in singing, dancing or rapping prevent him from becoming an idol who does all three. He was that kid who was more than aware of the fact that he was still lacking and had been told countless times of it but still believed in himself. He was that kid who got in a group only to be kicked out for not being good enough in a language he was still trying to learn. He was that kid who cried his heart out when he saw his dream almost coming true just to be dashed over a mispronunciation of some Korean words.  He was that kid who was long away from home, who persevered, knowing it was all he could do to continue reaching for his dream.  He was that kid who as soon as he was given a second chance, made the people who doubt him eat their hearts out. Felix got a lot of will in him. He found what he wanted to do and was brave enough to take a shot in the dark to reach for it.  That strong-willed Australian kid who convinced his parents to send him across the seas to hone his dancing skills he only practiced in front of his mirror. Oh yes, Felix can do whatever it is that he put his mind to. Afterall, Felix Lee has got an iron will. 

There was just one problem that disputes everything.

Seo Changbin.

When Felix met him on that practice room more than a year ago, he did not think the other man would play so much role in his life. To him then, he was just an older trainee who was being friendly to a newer trainee who needed the guidance of those who had been training longer than him. Yes, Changbin’s sharp jawline did make an impression but that was it. Felix never thought Changbin would be the person to make his heart beat faster only to stomped on it over and over again. When he first met the older rapper, he thought that he was just was nice. Felix was honestly thankful the other was trying to talk to him even when it was clear they do not speak the same language. But that was all.  At least that was how Felix saw it on that first meeting. If he could only foresee the future, their first meeting would be their last. He swore that if he’d only known how things would turn out, he would not talk to Changbin after that. That way, he would not see the wonderful person that the older teen is. He would not allow himself to be friends and grow close to him so he would not feel a type of connection he had never felt with anyone else. He would not allow himself to take part in Stray Kids vs JYP so there won’t be any chance of them being in the same group. Sometimes he wishes he was not in Stray Kids so he doesn’t have to see Seo Changbin every day. Felix had willed his emotions towards the other man to go away. Had willed it more than he could count. From the moment he wakes up in the morning and before he sleeps at night, he’d tell himself to push his feelings for the other man away. He’d tell himself that Changbin was his hyung and he respects him and loves him but he is not in love with him. He could not be in love with him. He should not be in love with him. It was like a mantra that he repeats to himself every day. At first, he thought it would work. He put his mind onto it, devoted his mind onto it. He was naïve to think that it was just a matter of will.

It was not. Took him some type to accept that love does not yield to the will, no matter how strong it is. One smile from Changbin and his resolve breaks. The heart wants what the heart wants.  

“You’re a solid dumbass for being here at this hour and in this cold.” Felix turned his head to see Chan walking towards him in his pajamas with a jumper over it.

“You’re dumber than me for coming here in that attire,” he commented as the older Aussie sat beside him.

“You look like shit by the way,” Chan remarked without actually meaning it. The younger looked fine but underneath his jacket, Felix was still on his training clothes. His hair’s a mess and his face a little bloated. It’s been half past midnight and he had not bothered to change to cleaner, more comfortable clothes.  

“Thanks for the compliment,” Felix replied without looking at the older. He just did not want to wash up when everyone’s still around. He likes to hear absolute silence when he showers so he could pretend like he was in his own bathroom back home in Sydney. That was not his reason for tonight though. He just did not want to hear his members’ voices bickering with each other as the voices on his head was already too much for him. He just needed to breathe.

He was watching the city lights dancing throughout all of Seoul. He could look at the view in front of him. A sea of glimmering city lights. This is what he gets here. No moon or stars but plenty of lights. That’s what he likes about the rooftop at this hour. No one comes here at midnight. He could have the place to himself with no one to disturb him. Well now, Chan’s here. He did not really mind. Chan and him sometimes hang out in silence. That’s the way they sometimes are. The silence never bothered them both. They welcome it. Silence was never awkward between them. It was comfortable. Like they were just enjoying each other’s company without trying to say a word.  

Chan turned to look at Felix closely. The younger acted normally throughout the day, laughing, goofing around with the other members and playing games on his phone. If he had not heard Felix crying over the sound of the running water in the sink of the bathroom, he would think everything is fine.

“I know something is up with you,” he began, eyes on the view before them. “What is it?”

Chan liked to think he knew his members very well. Afterall, he was the one who chose all of them. But today, when he heard Felix’s muffled sobs in the bathroom, he knew that that was a very pretentious idea. Maybe he overestimated himself. He could not believe he could not read Felix as well as he thought he could. It hurt his pride to be honest. Sharing the same hometown, he fancied himself able to read the younger Aussie better than the others. But considering he almost fell into Felix’s act of being absolutely alright, he knew he was wrong.

“Felix?” Chan tried again when Felix just remained silent. He noted Felix’s puffy red eyes and decided to bring them up. “You had been crying. Why?”

Felix knew Chan was smart enough to know something was wrong with him. If it came down to it, Chan was the brains of their whole group. He just was not sure if he should tell Chan. The leader had so much going on in his life already he barely had time to sleep. He did not want to add to his burdens. But then again, this is his Channie-hyung. Someone from Sydney, someone from home. There’s always been a sort of kinship and familiarity between the two of them ever since the first time they spoke to each other and instantly knew they were both from the same country. Besides, whatever it was, Chan had the intellect to figure it out sooner or later anyway. He should tell him. He just needed to figure out how without breaking like a fragile crystal glass.

 Chan let out a sigh. He had always known Felix was the type to keep things to himself. He respected that but deep inside, he hoped that would change. With their lifestyle, bottling emotions up inside was never good since no one could predict the moment it would explode. He nudged Felix’s elbow with his. The younger gave him the side eye. Chan nudged him again. “Come on, now. Take it off your chest.”

“Are you ready to play agony aunt?”

Chan rolled his eyes in mock irritation. “Just what do you think I’m freezing my ass here for if not for that.”

Felix chuckled. Chan rubbed his palms together. “Hurry now. It’s getting chilly up here.”

Felix did not seem to mind. Chan looked at him again. He was struck by the look on the younger’s face. Felix had the same look on his face now as he had when he was eliminated. Only now, there were no tears on his face. Just vacant eyes looking off to the city view in front of them.

“Chris-hyung.” Chan snapped in attention as he heard “Chris” from Felix. Not that it was the first time Felix called him that. Just that saved for a few occasions in the early days of their friendships, it had always been ‘Channie-hyung.’

“What is it, Lix?”

“I was really stupid.” Felix’s voice broke as he said it. The younger quickly regained his composure. He swallowed the lump in his throat and closed his eyes. He would not cry again. His tears were all there dried up in the sink of their practice room's bathroom. He cried all he could there he’d be surprised if there was any tear left.

“What did you do?”

Felix let out a laugh. It sounded bitter, almost mocking, devoid of any sincerity usually present in his laughter. Then in a second, the younger Aussie turned serious. He turned to the older and looked directly in his eyes. “I will tell you something you might find repulsive.”

Felix’s eyes were intense. The younger man was serious. Chan braced himself, not knowing what to expect from the younger. What did Felix do for him to react like this? He had to know. “Go on.”

“I’m in love with Changbin-hyung.” He smiled, mockingly at Chan. “Now, what would you say about that?”

 Chan was taken aback by the bluntness of the other. This was something he did not expect. Chan knew that Felix treated Changbin a little differently than the others. He was not blind. He did suspect before that Felix might like Changbin more than a friend should. He did not really have any problems with that before. But now that they were on the same team, he could see how that would be a concern. Not only that, he heard Felix say “in love.” _Felix more than likes Changbin. He’s in love with him._

Felix stared at him, as if daring Chan to judge him. Bang Chan felt insulted. He thought the younger knew him better than that. “Lix, I can’t believe you’re insulting me like this.” 

Felix was surprised for a second. His surprise quickly turned into embarrassment. He smiled sheepishly at his hyung. What a dumb thing to think Chan would be bothered what gender he likes or who he likes. Even if it was one of their members.  “Sorry. Just had to be sure.”

“Is that why you cried? You think it’s repulsive? You think I would find it repulsive that you’re in love with one of our members?” Chan hoped not because that would be really insulting for him. He’s a better person that that and Felix should have known that already.  

Felix looked at the city lights again. They were really beautiful. Not as beautiful as the stars but they remind him of the light sticks he saw in concerts. He hoped one day he’ll see them for his own group. “No. That’s not the reason.”

Chan had never been in love before. Sure, he had like a lot of people but none who he could say he had fallen in love with. He wondered if he’d be like Felix if falls in love. He hopes not. Felix looks really sad tonight.

“Well,” Chan said as he squirmed, trying to move so his butt won’t freeze. “Do you plan to tell him?”

Felix, without missing a beat, said, “I already did.”

Chan froze. He felt like his mind has crashed somewhere within his skull. _Felix did what?_ Confessions like that sometimes do not go well. His instinct kicking in and worry started to creep into him. Did Changbin broke Felix heart? This could not be good. Taking a deep breath, he asked, “When?”

Felix’s eyes grew tired of the lights. He laid his back on the floor and folded his arms over his head. He stared at the dark, moonless, starless, sky. “Today.”

The wind blew harder. The air got colder. Chan started squirming again. Of all places Felix could choose to lament, it had to be the chilliest of all. He looked at the younger Aussie’s face. Felix had his eyes trained on the sky. Chan felt sorry for him. He already had an idea of how Felix’s confession to Changbin went.

“I heard you earlier. During break. I was gonna use the bathroom. The one on our practice room was occupied so I went to the other practice room to use the bathroom there. “Chan paused. He really felt sorry for his younger friend. “You turned the water on the sink but I can still hear you crying. I knew it was you.” He sighed again. “I take it, he did not receive it well?”

Felix smirked. “No.” Closing his eyes, Felix could still see it behind closed eyelids, the voice even louder and clearer. “He didn’t.”

_“I don’t feel anything for you. We’re just friends. Nothing more.”_

_“Felix, we’re really good friends. That’s all we are. Please don’t expect anything more from me.”_

_“Let’s just forget this.”_

_Forget this._ As if that’s so easy for Felix to do. He could still hear Changbin’s voice ringing on his ears and he hated it.

 _Don’t expect anything more from me._ Well, wasn’t that what he tried to do for those many months he tried to condition himself that what he felt for Changbin could not be?

 _I don’t’ feel anything for you._ Felix bit his lip hard. Why does the truth hurt so much? Hearing it from him, it felt like someone pulled a gun and shot him cold. Felix just felt so hollow. It hurt so much.

“Stop that.” Chan chastised his friend. Felix stopped biting his lips. He bit it too hard it drew blood. Chan slapped his arm. Felix slapped him back.  Chan slapped him harder as he told his dongsaeng “Self-inflicted pain is not the solution to anything.”

“Any suggestions?”

“Lix, be serious. What will you do now? You know, to get over this?” Chan did not know if he was asking the right questions. He just wanted to know what Felix was thinking.

Felix looked directly at him. “I came here for my dream, hyung. That’s where my heart should be.”

“Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s not good.”

Felix huffed. “Channie-hyung, please take your own advice.”

Chan let out a chuckle. “Fair enough.”

They grew silent for a while. There was never an uncomfortable silence between them. Even now. After Chan’s learned of Felix’s heartbreak, the silence would still be a welcome occurrence in their friendship. Chan knew the other knew that he could always count on Chan. But in case his younger brother forgets, he reminded him again. “Lix, you know you can always talk to me. Anytime. Anywhere. Whatever it is, I’ll listen.”

Felix had his eyes closed. A smile played on his lips. A real smile. “I’d rather see you sleep than talk. Lord knows you need it.”

“You really plan on freezing yourself here, huh?” The older commented as he saw how comfortable the younger was.

“Shut up. It’s not winter. And as a matter of fact, I do.”

“Fine.” Chan laid his back on the floor beside Felix and closed his eyes. It’s uncomfortable and cold but his heartbroken friend would not be by himself in this cold rooftop tonight.

The younger Aussie hit the older’s arm with a little more force to prove a point. “Go inside and sleep, hyung. Vampire Chan’s just a nickname. Don’t take it to heart.”

“Don’t tell me what to do I’m older than you.” Chan feigned annoyance which fooled no one.

Felix huffed. Chan can be really stubborn sometimes. “Fine. Suit yourself. Let’s be dumbasses together. At least, my jacket’s thick. Can’t say about your jumper.”

Chan was quick to retort. “I have lean meat on my body so the cold doesn’t penetrate as harshly as it does you. You’re stick thin so the cold bites you directly to the bone. Eat more, dumbass.”

“At least my pants are thick enough to prevent my balls from freezing. Don’t be surprise if you wake up and your balls have already turned to ice.”

“Shut up. My balls are not the least bit bothered.”

Both of them chuckled at how ridiculous they were being. They were just talking about heartbreak a while ago and now, they were talking about their balls.

They became silent again. Just when Chan thought Felix was asleep, he spoke. Voice tired but determined, “I’ll move on, hyung. I’ll get over this.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Expect for more timeline jumps! There will be a lot of those in this story. I love Stray Kids so much that I just want to fly to Korea so I can tell them how much I love them. Felix looks a lot thinner now and I'm really worried. It might be the stress but I hope these kids can get some rest because Lord knows they need it. Especially Chan. Sometimes I worry just how many nights does Channie not been on a bed. He needs to rest well. Anyway, I hope you like this chapter. 
> 
> English is not my native language so feel free to correct me. Leave your comments and tell me what you think! :)))


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changbin is both insecure and unsure but Hyunjin will not let his hyung back down on his words of getting Felix. And who knows, there might be another person who's willing to help.

Hyunjin never thought he’d be this mad. He stared daggers at Changbin from the moment the latter had sat his ass on the chair of the ramen shop they were eating until the time he had shut the main door of their apartment.

“What the hell, hyung?” He yelled at the shorter man who spun around with a frown stuck on his forehead.

“I should be asking you that,” Changbin yelled back. He removed his cap and put it on the corner of the kitchen counter. Hyunjin had been giving him attitude the past few days and when at first, he let it slide, it was really getting into his nerves.

Hyunjin huffed in irritation. “Seriously? You barely spoke to Felix this whole entire week and the only thing you said to him earlier, when he’s literally seated beside you was “Water, please.”

“What are you so mad about?” Changbin was annoyed. He knew he had not done a single thing the whole week that would be a step towards getting Felix. Of course, he hated himself for it. He could not summon the courage in him to walk up and confess. It was much more difficult than he thought. He often wondered how Felix could have done it, the courage it took. His admiration and respect for the younger man had upped a notch and suddenly, Changbin felt insecure about himself. He felt cowardly and Felix doesn’t deserve a coward, does he?  

That was why he was so passive the past few weeks but he did not tell Hyunjin about it. Hyunjin saw what his hyung was not doing and it irritated him. To hear Changbin talk as if there was nothing to be concerned about really got on his nerves. He looked at him as if he could not believe what he was hearing.

“It’s been a week! You said you’re gonna try. You haven’t done anything.”

“Oh please.”

“Oh please?”

Changbin could feel his temper rising to another level.  “I don’t need you telling me how useless I had been, okay?”

Hyunjin was incredulous. “Hyung, this is not about you being useless. This is you being in love with someone you literally share the air around 24/7 and not doing anything about it.”

“Look, it’s not that easy, you know. Oh wait! You don’t know.”

“You’re right. I don’t know.” Hyunjin admitted as he leaned on the kitchen counter and crossed his arms, trying to not let the annoyance in him burst out even more.  “What I do know is that if you continue acting like this, you need to stop crying whenever you see Felix playing “Eat my face with your tongue” with other people.”

“Shut up!” Changbin shouted as he covered his ears and went to the corner of the room away from Hyunjin. “Spare me the mental picture. As if I don’t remember it well enough.”

“What? It’s not like you can stop him from seeing other people.” The taller was going to give it to his hyung even if the latter doesn’t want to hear it. “Not if you’re too scared to make a move.”

“I’M NOT SCARED!”

“OH REALLY? KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT!”

Changbin crossed the room and stopped when he was only a few inches from the younger. He was mad. Hyunjin had struck a nerve. He knew it was true. He was scared. He was a coward. He already admitted it to himself. He just did not need another person telling him that.

Hyunjin was mad too. He stood to his whole height both to intimidate Changbin and to annoy him even more. Changbin was not actually subtle about his height complex. It was petty but he was not in the mood to consider what’s petty or not in this situation.

“Be mad at me all you want but the next time you sob like it’s somebody’s funeral in the middle of a parking lot, I’ll punch you and you can’t blame me for it.”

Changbin’s anger dissipated a little only to be replaced by a ton of embarrassment. He stepped back and leaned on the wall opposite Hyunjin, closed his eyes, and rubbed his temples.  “You have no idea how embarrassed I am when I realized just how much of a teenage drama queen I was last week. Can we just bury it in the graves of our memories and not bring it back?”

Hyunjin felt like pulling all his hairs out. “You’re telling me that after all the wailing you did over one single steamy lip locking incident you saw of Felix with another guy, you want me to just forget about it?”

“Ugh. Stop it with the mental image!” Changbin whined. He felt a little pinch on his heart. “And yes, forget it. Help me save what’s left of my dignity and just forget about what I did and what I told you.”

“Hyung, you have no idea how much I want to beat you up right now.” Hyunjin knew his hyung was better than this. “Throw that dignity of yours out the window and actually do something about your feelings.”

“Maybe it was just stress talking,” Changbin winced at himself. He could hear the lie he just uttered and he felt ashamed.  He walked over to the dining table at the center of the room and sat himself on one of the chairs. “Besides, how do I even win him over? It’s not that simple, you know.”

“You haven’t even confessed to him and you’re here quaking in your boots.”

“Shut it. No one’s quaking in their boots.”

“You’re scared, hyung. You’re chickening out already when you haven’t even tried.”

“Easy for you to say since you’re not the one to do have to do it.”

“Yeah. Maybe. But really hyung, giving up without even trying? Is that how you want to be?”

No. That was not how Changbin wanted himself to be. He wanted to be brave. He wanted to go up to Felix Lee and confess his heart. It just wasn’t the easiest thing to do. Before Felix, he did not even know he was attracted to guys. Girls, he was sure of. But with guys, Felix was the first. Having feelings for a guy and confessing to a guy was a completely new territory for him. He doesn’t know how to tread on it. He has no idea what to do or how to make the first move. He sighed deeply as he answered his dongsaeng. “What do you want me to do, huh? You know, Hyunjinnie, you make it sound so easy as if it really is.”

“What is so hard on going after someone you like? Oops! Sorry. I said “like.” My mistake. I meant someone you’re in love with.”

Changbin looked at Hyunjin. He should be mad but then it hit him that he should not be mad at the younger rapper for thinking it was not that hard. Hyunjin does not and would not understand. Of course, he won’t. For Hyunjin, it was all simple, thinking this was all the same as confessing to a girl. Hyunjin’s brain must not have fully registered the fact that he was pushing Changbin to confess to Felix who is a guy, on the same group as they are, and who Changbin has rejected before. If he had been a girl trainee Changbin liked, then he wouldn’t think so much of it. But this is Felix Lee. Changbin had already hurt him before. He did not want to take any more wrong steps when it came to the Australian, so much so that just thinking about it paralyzed him with fear that he could not take any step at all. 

“Tell me Hyunjin, have you ever liked a guy before? Have you confessed to one who’s literally around you 24/7? Do you know what to say to him or give to him so he’ll still consider you after you broke his heart? Oh, and when he says no, how do you even be friends again?”

“Well, Felix did it. Maybe you should ask him.”

Changbin rested his head on both of his hands. Hyunjin was silent for a while before he spoke again. “Ask yourself this, would you want to see him date someone else?”

He did not want Felix to date other people. As if his reaction last week hasn’t proven that. Hyunjin walked to the dining table and stood right across Changbin. “You’re backing out because you have no idea how to make a move on him. You’re being a coward. That’s the truth and you know it.”

The word “coward” really irked Changbin. He knew it alright. He knew it already he did not need Hyunjin to rub it on his face every chance he could get. He balled his fist and tried his best to calm his breathing. The younger got into his skin and he wanted to beat him to a pulp. But instead, he stared Hyunjin down.

The latter stared back just as fiercely. He would not let this go. His hyung was clearly sabotaging his own happiness even before he could get it and Hwang Hyunjin would not let him do that. What kind of friend lets a friend do that to himself?

Both men were angry. Hyunjin looked like he wanted to knock some sense on his hyung with the flower vase on the table and the latter looked like he was ready to fling a chair back to the former. Of course, none of them would do that for two reasons: one, they’re best friends who does not need to physically hurt each other to get their point across, and second, they’re not stupid enough to cause bruises in each other’s face and earn their management’s ire if ever word of their fight gets out or if their makeup artists fail to cover them up. In both their heads, they had already murdered each other.

“Are you two alright?”

The two fighting rappers broke their stare showdown and looked at the source of the voice. Bang Chan was standing in the doorway of the kitchen, groceries in one hand and a box under his arm, looking at his two younger members curiously.

Hyunjin sighed. He moved towards Chan, muttered a “Hey hyung, let me help you with that” and got the bags of groceries from the older man and put it on the counter.

Changbin’s tense shoulders sagged as the anger he felt was also slowly dissipating with the arrival of their leader. Chan has that effect on everyone. He was always calm and he spread the calmness to those around him. Unless he’s angry himself which no one would want to see. An angry Bang Chan is a frightening Bang Chan. Hyunjin paid his two hyungs no mind as he began to take the groceries out of their bags to put them on their places either on the fridge or in the kitchen shelves.

“Hyung, I didn’t hear you come in. Where are the others?” Changbin asked, noting the silence of the whole house which was never the case when all of them are in. Whenever the boys come home, there would be a shouting competition which Jisung usually wins over who get to use the bathroom first and other petty stuff that unnecessarily carry a lot of noise.

“They’re out in the arcade. We met The Boyz on our way here and they were going to the arcade so the kids went with them.”

“Jeez, you guys didn’t even invite us.” Hyunjin said. He could have played with the others rather than quarrel with Changbin.

Chan leaned on the wall near the door. “Well, you guys just suddenly left after we had lunch.” He looked at his two dongsaengs. “Seems like you two had the chance to talk about something important. If you said something, I wouldn’t have gone home soon.”

“No, hyung,” Changbin protested. “I was just talking to Hyunjinnie. It’s not really important.”

“I don’t know about that.” Hyunjin muttered under his breath. Chan caught it and could not help but shook his head with amusement. Clearly, the two were discussing something very important otherwise his dongsaengs would not be looking like they’re both ready to tear each other’s heads off.  

“Either way, sorry for interrupting your unimportant conversation.” He replied, emphasizing the word “unimportant.”

Changbin knew Chan did not believe him. He rolled his eyes at the older who smirked at him in return.  Hyunjin just stacked the cans of corned beef in the shelves and hummed a reply. Changbin opened the fridge to get himself some water. Chan walked to where the dining table and put the box he was carrying on top of it. He pulled a chair and sat himself there.

“You want water?” Offered Changbin to which he nodded yes.

“Why didn’t you go with them? You too old to play arcade now?” The shortest of the three teased the leader as he handed him the glass. Chan gulped the water down.

“No. I had some ideas and I want to start working on them.”

“That’s surprising.” Changbin remarked sarcastically.

Hyunjin nodded his head at their main rapper’s comment. He looked at Chan and saw the dark circles on his eyes.

“Hyung, have you ever heard of the word sleep? You’re looking like a panda bear.”

“Thanks for the concern you two but I’m fine. I get sleep.” Chan heard the two muttered under their breaths. “And for the record, Panda bears are cute.”

To which Changbin easily retorted. “Couldn’t say the same thing about you but fine.” Hyunjin let out a laugh. Chan couldn’t help but laugh as well. Suddenly, the tension was completely gone. It was as if the two younger members weren’t fighting just before Chan walked in.

“Well, you two looks like you’re not going to chop each other’s heads off so I guess I better start working now.” Chan smiled at them and stood up to go to his room. Time is gold on his field. He turned to his friends as he said sincerely, “If you have problems, you can tell me. You can always count on my help.”

Hyunjin gave him a thumbs up. Changbin just nodded his head as he sat himself down again. He saw the box still lying on the table.

“Channie-hyung!”

Chan halt his steps and turned back around.

“You forgot this,” Changbin lifted the box. It was a medium-sized purple box with a red ribbon around it. It felt a little heavy. He shook it. “What inside this?”

Chan got the box from Changbin. “I don’t know.”

“Is it a gift?” The tallest of the three inquired.

“Yeah.”

Changbin looked at it closely. “The box looks like those boxes you give to someone you like. Didn’t you receive a lot of these?

Chan frowned. “What do you mean, “didn’t?” I still do, you know.”

“Well, some people really do like pandas in human form.”

“Leave my eyebags alone, Binnie.”

“Fine. So some fan handed you that while you were out buying groceries?”

“Oh. A token of her love for our mighty leader Bang Chan.” Hyunjin said, grinning, as he imitated the lovesick expression of fangirls he usually sees directed at him.

“Uh. This is not for me.”

Two pairs of eyes peered curiously at Chan. The younger of the two asked, “Who is it for?”

“This is actually for Felix. Found it on our main door.”

The main rapper could not help himself. “Who is it from?”

 “There’s no note.” He turned it to the side to show to the younger two what’s scribbled stylishly on the top lid’s side of the box. “Initials here says J.J.Y.” Chan thought for a while until a name popped on his head. “Oh. I guess it’s from Blake.”

“Who?” Both Hyunjin and Changbin asked at the same time.

Chan played with the ribbon on the box. “You met him before when we’re still trainees. He goes by his Korean name, Jung Jae Yi.”

Hyunjin went back to his task of getting the groceries out of the bags. “Doesn’t ring a bell.”

Changbin’s heart started beating faster. He had an idea just who Chan is talking about but he hoped he was wrong. “Is he Felix’s friend?”

“Yeah. Another Australian. We befriended him during his first day here. We Aussies stick together, you know.”

Hyunjin stopped stacking food in the fridge. He turned to Changbin and a look of understanding passed between the two of them. Chan did not miss it.  “You guys remember him now?”

Hyunjin remembered what Changbin told him last week and decided to ask Chan to confirm if they were both thinking of the same person. “Is he the one with blue eyes?”

“Yeah that’s him.”

“How could I forget.” Seo Changbin blurted out. Chan gave him a knowing smile. The main rapper was surprised to see that. The look on their leader’s face told Changbin that Chan might have known a lot more than he was letting on.

“Well, why’s he giving Felix a gift? What’s the occasion? Are we forgetting something?”

“No need for any occasion to give your close friends gifts, don’t you think?” Chan replied. Changbin did not miss the playful glint in Bang Chan’s eyes. Yep. Chan knows something and he’s letting Changbin know that he knows. 

“Well, I’ll just put this in Felix’s bed and then I’ll start working on new music.”

“You better sleep, hyung.”

Chan hummed a reply. He started walking towards the door but he stopped midway to turn to Changbin. All of a sudden, the leader looked serious.

“You think too much, Binnie. That’s why you get scared. You have to think less and act more.”

“Hyung?” Changbin tried to feign ignorance even when he knew it would not work.

Bang Chan waited patiently until Changbin stopped looking like he had no idea what Chan was talking about. A minute later, Changbin sighed. “Just how much have you heard, hyung?”

The leader smirked. “Enough to tell you that you’re being really stupid and you’re overthinking everything. It’s not easy but denying your feelings will not make it any easier. You don’t have to go straight to confessing your love if you’re not ready. Take small steps until you get to it. But you can’t do nothing. Hyunjinnie here is right. You have to try.”

Changbin was speechless. More than one person knew how he really feels now. He was glad it was Hyunjin and Chan. The former is his best friend who has enough guts to call him out on his bullshit and the latter, his leader, who when in doubt, always manage to enlighten him and inspire some courage for himself with just a few words.

Chan looked at Hyunjin and smiled. And then he turned back to Changbin and with a playful smile on his face, he told the younger, “Hyunjin here is not the only person rooting for you, Changbinnie.”

Whatever magic Bang Chan has with his words, it worked on Changbin. He felt relieved just to know that his Channie-hyung supports his feelings. Suddenly, he felt a confidence growing inside him. His friends were right. Changbin needs to get his act together and do something before he regrets it. He needs to stop worrying and overthinking and just start acting. He could do this. He just needs to try first.

“Thanks, hyung.” He smiled at Chan.

Hyunjin noticed Changbin’s face was lighting up. He knew his hyung was gaining faith on himself. He was thankful Chan overheard their fight earlier. If it comes down to it, if you believe one person and one person alone, you believe Chan. If you want someone’s support, you would want Chan. Their leader has always been honest and sincere with his words and actions. He would give you all the help that you need and would feel guilty if he fails to do so.

 Bang Chan nodded his head and continued on his way but before he could totally exit the kitchen, he turned around again and with a playful smile on his face, told Changbin, “Winter’s almost here. I heard Felix said he needs new socks and a thicker jacket. You know how vicious the cold could be. Why don’t you buy him some? Or maybe some warm gloves or a scarf.  Just to let him know you care about him.”

Changbin just stared at his hyung, processing what the older was suggesting. “Um.”

“I mean, isn’t that better than arguing here with Hyunjin?”

Of course. Chan always know what to do. It’s another quality all the other members had always admired about their leader. Bang Chan is intelligent and brave and he just instinctively knows what’s step to take and when to take it. He wishes he has told Chan about how he feels. Leave it to him to sort Changbin’s life out.

“Got it, hyung.”

“Good.” Chan acknowledged before he continued. “You guys have heard the saying ‘love is battlefield,’ right?” The two looked intrigued. Then he lifted the box with both hands and shook them as he added, “Just so you know Binnie, you have some tough competition.” And then he sashayed out of the kitchen and into his bedroom where he started working on his laptop for some songs he would try out in the studio later.  

As soon as the eldest was out of sight, the tension was back. It was however a different kind of tension. Hyunjin could see Changbin was thinking hard. The older furrowed his eyebrows in concentration. He was holding his breath and Hyunjin wondered how long he could do it. Then suddenly, Changbin let out a deep breath and jumped off the dining chair. The tension all gone within a second.

“Hyunjinnie, let’s go.”

Confused, Hyunjin looked at his hyung and noted the difference in his aura. He turned to Hyunjin and the latter could see the determination in his eyes. Thank God, he thought. He should have had dragged Chan here to talk sense to Changbin instead of fighting with his hyung trying to do the same thing. “Where?”

Changbin fixed his hoodie and smoothed his shirt with his hands. He adjusted the fanny pack around his waist and put his cap back on. He made a face as he looked at Hyunjin who had just grabbed a slice of bread and had already started munching on it.

“To the mall, you idiot. Didn’t you hear? Felix needs new stuff for winter so quit eating and hurry up.”  

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because despite Changbin's fearless aura, he's still a soft little baby who's still trying to tread this new territory of love. 
> 
> Gosh, I love SKz so much!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Well, Binnie. Now you’re moving. Keep taking steps. Maybe one day you’ll wake up and find that it was no longer hard to let him know how you feel about him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since I have updated this. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter.

 

 

“I’m about to believe that clones do exist,” Minho remarked as he stared at the shopping bags lying on Felix’s bed.

Jeongin, beside him, started frowning at him. “Why are you so weird, hyung?”

“Thank you, Jeongin” Minho replied, patting himself on the back, proud. “Oddity is the first sign of genius.”

“Are you talking about me?” Seungmin entered the room, carrying clean folded clothes that he just fetched from the laundry room.

“What makes you think we’re talking about you?” Jeongin asked, eyebrow raised.

“You said ‘genius.’ Who else could it be but me?”

Jeongin and Minho stared at Seungmin like he was an alien greeting them in an alien language before they burst out laughing. Jeongin picked up a pen lying on his desk and started waving it as a wand, “If that’s the case hyung, then I’m Harry Potter!”

Seungmin glared at the maknae before his eyes wandered to the side, to Felix’s bed.

“When did Felix do all this shopping?” He exclaimed as he went nearer to the bed. “We were recording yesterday and we were with him all day today.”

“Exactly my point.” Minho, in his best Sherlock Holmes impression, turned to the singer as he said with all the seriousness in his voice. “Such phenomenon had only led me to the conclusion that one of the most scientific fantasies of the past generation have now become a reality.” Then in a quieter, graver voice, “Clones do exist.”

Seungmin stared at his hyung, dumbfounded. Then he clutched his head as if in pain, “Oh God, Minho-hyung. You need professional help.”

Jeongin laughed as he spit out Harry Potter courses at the two older members. Minho began picking up the bags and started checking their labels and brands before letting out a whistle. Seungmin was looking at the two, thinking hard whether to let his desire to whack them both or to ask Chan to ask their company to admit Minho and Jeongin to the nearest psychiatric ward as soon as possible.

“What’s going on?” Felix carrying his pile of clean clothes eyed his members curiously. “Is it finally time for me to call the mental asylum?”

“Please,” Seungmin begged. “Make the decision for me. I seem to want smack them more than get them a doctor.”

Jeongin glared at Felix and Seungmin, pointed his pen at them, mustering his villain voice, bellowed, “Avada Kedavra!”

“The Killing curse, really?” Felix grabbed the maknae’s pen and set it aside. “Harry Potter, my ass. You’re Lord Voldemort.”

The maknae was about to retort when Minho was suddenly in front of Felix, kneading his face and pinching him aggressively.

“What the? Hyung!” Felix pushed the older back. He could smell the other’s breath with their proximity. Minho’s breath was actually pleasant but Felix did not have any intention of exchanging breaths with the older dancer. “You’re handsome but you’re not my type.”

Minho gasped, offended, before he shrugged it off and started retreating to his own bed. “Oh well. It seems like you’re still our Felix.”

“You guys are so weird. Why am I rooming with all of you?” Whining, the Australian walked to his bed and saw shopping bags lying on his bed, almost covering the entire thing. He frowned. “Can you please not dump your stuff on my bed?”

“What are you talking about?” asked Seungmin.

Felix gestured to his bed.

“Are they not yours, hyung?” The maknae inquired.

Felix shook his head. “Uh no. I didn’t even have the time to go shopping.”

“Oh, that means you haven’t been cloned then.” Minho exclaimed.

“WHAT?”

“MINHO-HYUNG!” Seungmin warned the dancer who just rolled his eyes at the vocalist before turning back to Felix. “I just thought they’re yours since they’re on your bed but could not reconcile it with the fact that we were basically together 24/7 so how the hell did you do your shopping? Unless you’re a clone which would explain how.”

“Hyung, you really are starting to worry me.” Jeongin said, hugging one of his plushies.

Seungmin shut the maknae a look. “Shut up, Innie. You’ve got no right to say that.”

“Seriously though, whose are these?” Felix asked, wracking his head if he asked Blake to… He stopped himself. _No. Of course not._ Not after all that happened between them.

“Definitely not ours, that’s for sure.” Seungmin said.

Minho added, “But you should definitely take them. Some of them are designer’s label and looks comfy.”

 

Felix grabbed one bag and brought out its content. There was a lovely dark blue winter coat. He went for another bag and it contained another coat. This one, black. He looked inside two more bags. More jackets: a white one, and a red one.  Two more bags contained two more jackets. Then in another bag was a soft, green, knitted sweater. In another was a light pink cardigan. He pulled another bag and found eight pairs of cute comfortable socks. He smiled. He needed more socks since his feet gets cold easily. In a smaller bag, there were three pairs of gloves. The last one had two knitted scarves in them. Felix looked at them. Strangely enough, they all suit his tastes.

 

“Weird how these would all I would buy if I had the time to go shopping.” And then he smacked his forehead. “Shit. I do need new winter jackets.” As much as Felix loves winter, winter seems to not share the same sentiment towards him. He always gets a little sick during the season. Having grown up in a hot and humid country made his immune system to the cold weaker than the rest of the members. It didn’t help that two of his winter jackets ripped and another was missing.

“Maybe they’re for you?” Seungmin speculated. He picked up a jacket and examined it. “They look like they’re your size.”

“Huh? But it’s not even my birthday yet?” Felix, said, perplexed. Then he remembered something. Changbin and Hyunjin went home early today. Maybe they went shopping. Although why were their stuff on his bed, he did not know. He stuffed the items back on their bags. When he finished, he started walking outside, “Let’s ask the other members.”

Minho, Seungmin, and Jeongin tailed him from behind. They went to the dining room where the other five members were busy eating their dinner.

“You guys, eat now,” Woojin commanded like the mom of the group that he is, motioning for them to take their seats. Jisung pulled a chair, telling Minho to sit down while slurping his second serving of ramen. Seungmin shook his head and gave the oldest a thumbs up to tell him he’s good. Jeongin declined, saying he was not hungry.

“Felix,” Chan called to his fellow Australian. “Sit and eat.”

He declined, saying he was still full, which he was. “Um, there are shopping bags on my bed. Maybe they’re yours, Hyunjin and Changbin-hyung?”

Changbin’s head snapped instantly from his soup to Hyunjin. The latter shrugged and then told Felix, “They’re Changbin-hyung’s.”

Changbin glared at Hyunjin. The younger’s leg nudging his leg under the table. Changbin stepped on his foot which made him yelp.

“Hyunjinnie?” Woojin asked from across the table, curious.

“Muscle cramps, hyung,” Hyunjin lied. He turned to his side and glared at the group’s main rapper.

“Changbin-hyung.” Changbin’s head turned abruptly to Felix at the sound of his deep voice calling his name.

“Yeah?” He asked, mentally berating himself for sounding nervous as if it was the first time he spoke to the younger. Well, it wasn’t like he was talking much to Felix anyway. Not after the confession eight months ago.

“Your stuff,” Felix pointed to the direction of his room. “I’ll put them to your room now, if you don’t mind.”

Under the table, Hyunjin was nudging Changbin’s leg again. This time a little harder. Changbin secretly pinched his thigh and Hyunjin winced before glaring daggers at his hyung.

“Hyung?’ It was Jisung. Changbin looked like he was spacing out.

“Huh?”

Jisung gestured to Felix.

“Oh.”

Changbin swallowed. His nerves around and when it concerned the younger Australian was getting in his way again. He willed himself to not let it get to his head.

“Actually, they’re for you,” he told Felix as nonchalantly as he could. Six pairs of eyes were now curiously peering at him. Hyunjin smirked on his dumpling while Chan drank his soup, watching them, like he was watching a soap opera.

Felix stared at Changbin, brows knitted together in visible confusion. “Am I missing something?”

“Winter.” Came the short reply.

“What?” Felix asked, not making sense of any of this.

“Winter.” Changbin said again, as he stabbed a dumpling with his fork, avoiding Felix’s questioning eyes.

“O-okay.” The freckled man did not know what to make of Changbin’s answer. _What does ‘Because it’s winter” mean?’_

Trying to keep his cool, Changbin told him, “You’re easily cold. I just wanted to make sure you won’t get sick. “

“Oh.”

He continued. “Figured you don’t have time to shop so I did your shopping. I know you’ve got winter clothes but it wouldn’t hurt to have more.”

“Oh. Well, okay then. Thanks. I’ll pay for them.”

“No!” Came Changbin’s instant protest. “They’re gifts.” When the younger looked like he was going to protest against that, Changbin’s spoke more firmly. “I won’t accept payment.”

Whatever Felix’s retort died at that. The group’s main rapper looked like he was not going to take no for an answer so  Felix just nodded. “Alright. Thank you, Changbin-hyung. Really, thanks.”

 

Still baffled, the younger Australian went back to his room, not really knowing what to think of the main rapper’s odd behavior. He felt grateful and cared for, which was surprising since he had no idea Changbin still cared about him. Especially since the other barely spare him a glance ever since… ever since… Felix shook his head to clear his mind of that memory.

 

He took the contents out of the shopping bags and folded them. He knew he should just feel grateful to his hyung for thinking about him, but he could not help but be confused about it. _How could Seo Changbin go from acting like he doesn’t exist to buying things for him just so he would not worry about getting sick during winter?_ It does not make sense. Seo Changbin was one confusing man.

 

He looked at what Changbin got for him. They are really Felix’s style. Changbin must have noticed what he likes and what he does not. He ran his hand on the light pink cardigan and felt its soft fabric. He should be comforted by the warm gesture, right? But as he stared at the stuff the other bought for him, he felt an anger rising up.

 

 _Why is he acting like he cares about me when for the past months and just earlier, it’s like he doesn’t even see me?_ Felix thoughts were screaming at him.

 

_Why is he being kind to me again, making my heart melt with his thoughtfulness?_

 

Felix wished he knew the answer. He slapped his face lightly, telling himself that one sweet gesture does not change anything. He worked so hard in trying to get over the rapper, and now with just one thoughtful act, he felt his heart warming up to Seo Changbin again, threatening to unleash the feelings he had for the said man which he did his best to bury deep within him. Felix hated that he was feeling it again. He hated it. He really hated it.

 

 _He’s just being kind, Lix. Don’t think too much of it._ Felix told himself that there was nothing wrong about it. Seo Changbin just cares about his members. And Felix is one of his members. It’s not strange at all.

 

Felix gathered all of Changbin’s neatly folded gifts and crumpled them all in a heap before flinging them harshly inside the empty closet beside his own. Maybe if he just kept them there, he could also keep his own feelings within himself.  

 

* * *

 

 

Back in the dining room, Jisung, Seungmin, Jeongin, and Woojin was still curiously looking at Changbin. Woojin, in a voice almost in disbelief, said, “I didn’t know you’re such a sweet, caring individual, Binnie.”

“Yeah but he only cared about Felix. He only got him gifts.” Minho whined. “I haven’t gotten anything.”

“Me neither.” Jisung agreed, frowning at the other main rapper.

“Hyung! I thought you like me.” Jeongin sulked at Changbin.

“Shut up.” Changbin rolled his eyes. “You guys are pretty much polar bears. You don’t get cold.”

“Of course, we do. But it’s not like you would care since you didn’t get us anything.” Jisung said bitterly.

Seungmin poured himself a glass of water and gulped it down. “At least now we know who’s Changbin-hyung’s favorite member is.”

 

* * *

 

As soon as the door of the apartment shut and they were outside, Changbin was twisting Hyunjin’s ears.  “I’m going to kill you!”

“Ya! Stop it!” Hyunjin’s protests went unheard so he used his strength to push his hyung away. Rubbing his ears, he asked, “What did I do aside from helping you?”

“I wrote “Felix” on a note and stuck them on one of the bags!” Changbin put up an accusatory finger towards the younger man.  “You removed it!”

The taller of the two sighed, exasperated. “Why would you play ‘Guess your Secret Santa’ with him when it’s not even Christmas yet and when you can just go tell him that you got him these things because you care about him?”

“In front of everyone?” Changbin motioned with his arms. “Now the others think I’m so biased.”

“You **_are_** biased.” Hyunjin said matter-of-factly.

“No, I’m not.” The shorter denied vehemently.

Hyunjin raised his eyebrow in challenge. “Okay then, buy the others and I the same stuff you bought Felix today.”

“Hell no!” Changbin yelled instantly. “I’m not going broke for you brats.”

“See? You are biased.” Hyunjin said, satisfied at making his point across, flashing his hyung with a smile of triumph.

“Who is biased?”

Both guys jumped in surprise as Chan’s voice came out of nowhere. They did not even hear the door open and close and suddenly, Chan was standing there with them.  

“Holy shit! Channie-hyung, can you please not to that again?” Changbin exclaimed, clutching his chest.  “I just had a heart attack.”

“You two drink too much caffeine.” The leader remarked, amused at how jumpy they were.

Hyunjin nudged the leader’s elbow, grinning. “Say, hyung. How did Changbin-hyung do?”

Changbin narrowed his eyes at his two members. Chan thought for a little moment before he spoke again. “Not bad at all, Bin. Though I must say, you really overcompensate.”

“What?” Changbin was flabbergasted.

Chan chuckled. “I just said Felix needs socks. Or maybe you can buy him other stuff for winter. I didn’t say you buy him the entire winter collection.”

“If you only knew the horror, Channie-hyung.” Hyunjin shook his head incredulous, as he remembered shopping with Changbin for Felix’s earlier that day.  

Chan put his hand on the shorter rapper’s shoulders comfortingly. “Well, Binnie. Now you’re moving. Keep taking steps. Maybe one day you’ll wake up and find that it was no longer hard to let him know how you feel about him.”

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning, Changbin woke up earlier than usual. He tried going back to sleep but try as he might, he could not do it. So he got up, put on his sweater, and decided to go to the practice room to go familiarize himself with their new dance routine. On his way there, he spotted Minho walking toward the same direction. 

“Minho-hyung!” Changbin yelled the main dancer’s name, running furiously to catch up with him. How the older could not hear him Changbin did not know. But he must not have heard the rapper as he continued walking briskly. Changbin pulled the other’s sleeve the moment he caught up with him. Minho started walking but Changbin used his force to stop him.

“Ya Minho-hyung!” The rapper panted, as he tried to keep his hyung in place.  “Hyung, teach me this part!” He showed the older a move he’d been practicing since yesterday.  “I keep messing it up!”

But Minho was not even looking at him. Changbin scrunched up his face. “Ya hyung!”

No reply.

“Ya Lee MInho!”

The older snapped his head instantly and screamed, “It’s Lee Minho-hyung to you, Seo Changbin!”

The younger rolled his eyes before eyeing the dancer suspiciously. “Hyung, I’ve been calling you all this time. You kept ignoring me.”

Minho shrugged. “So, I can save money.”

“What?” Changbin’s eyebrows furrowed.

“I don’t want to spend money when I can get stuff for free!”

It had always been a known fact that Lee Minho is one oddball and Changbin thought that this was one proof of it. He was making zero sense to Changbin. “How is that related to you ignoring me?”

It was Minho now who looked confused. “Well, didn’t you get Felix all those things because you ignored him for months? Because you wanted to make it up to him?”

“What are you talking about?” Changbin, shocked, asked.  

At the rapper’s baffled face, Minho realized it. “Oh. You were serious when you said you didn’t want him to get sick this winter. I thought you were just saying that.” Then he patted the younger’s head while the latter looked at him dumbly. “That’s nice of you, Bin. You do care. Seems like I don’t have to ignore you anymore.”

Changbin’s head was swimming with questions now. “Hang on. You really think I did that because I was sorry I ignored him?”

Minho gave another shrug. “I mean, for these past months you rarely talk to him. You don’t even look at him when you do.  I thought something happened between the two of you and you wanted to make up.” Then wrinkling his nose, he added, “We haven’t fought or anything so you couldn’t make up with me so I thought I’d just ignore you and then, you’ll ignore me too, and come next season, you’ll want to make up with me so you’ll get me nice things.”

But Changbin already stopped hearing what the older was saying after the third sentence. He shook his head to clear his mind from the flashbacks that was suddenly assaulting him. “Sorry, hyung. I gotta go.” Then he sprinted away.

“Ya! I thought you wanted me to teach you. You’re so weird!” Minho yelled after him, unaware of the fact that his dongsaeng was not hearing him anymore.

 

* * *

 

 

Changbin did not realize that he was full on running now. He was not even sure where he was going or why. As the flashbacks of the last eight months replayed on his head, a feeling of horror crept up on his chest. He had treated Felix so badly for these months and he was not even aware of it. He did not even realize he was ignoring Felix for that long. Yes, it was true that the first week after Felix confessed to him, he did everything he could to avoid him. The second week, he did the same although in his head, it was not as bad as the first. After that, he thought he was keeping his distance from the younger Australian but still acknowledging his presence and paying him attention when he was there. But as Changbin just found out, that was not the case. What Minho told him acted like a trigger to open a flood of flashback of the times where he completely dismissed Felix rather harshly. Not only did he ignore Felix, sometimes, he acted like he was not there. In fact, he went out of his way to have as little as much interaction with him. And all the while he was doing it unconsciously, unaware of his own internalized homophobia.  That is why it was so hard to tell Felix of his feelings. That is why he was being a coward earlier. That is what is standing between Changbin and his happiness.

 

Changbin came to a halt. He rested his back on the wall and dropped his head, body posture resigned. The fact that he had to see Felix with another person so his brain could wake the fuck up to make him see that he had been avoiding the younger not because the latter’s confession made him uncomfortable or made their relationship awkward, but because he had been harboring feelings for the younger, feelings that he could not even admit to himself, was just messed up. He felt shame washing over him. Suddenly, he wanted to quit on the plan of pursuing Felix. But then again, that would just make him an even bigger coward and even more pathetic. Changbin closed his eyes to think. _What should he do? What could he do to make up for what he’s done?_ Then finally an idea hit him. He fished his phone on the pocket of his jeans and dialed Chan’s number. After three rings, the leader's sleepy voice came on the other end. “Binnie?”

“Hyung, can Felix and I have a collaboration? Just the two of us?”

“Binnie,” Chan’s voice was almost teasing. “What are you planning?”

“You did tell me I tend to overcompensate,” the rapper reminded the leader. “I just realized I ignored him for so long. So now I want to shower him with all my attention.”

“Do you think that’s wise?”

“I want to show him that I see him. Recognize his presence, his talents.” Changbin let out a sigh. “Maybe then he’ll forget of the time when I acted like he doesn’t exist.”

Chan was silent for a moment. Changbin knew the leader was thinking hard. “You know what Bin, that’s actually a good idea. Everyone’s been going nuts over your back and forth rap in N/S. Leave it to me. Changlix will have a collab.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well then, did you like it? This slow pace might bore you but I just feel like it's necessary to understand the boys' inner issues. I really hope I can update faster but you know, real life catches up with you and you just do what you gotta do. Anyway, thanks for reading and have a good day!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “HYUNJIN?” Changbin cried in indignation. “HELL NO!”
> 
> Startled, Felix said apologetically as he turned his attention back to the flowers, “Alright, Changbin-hyung. Just pick something that you think the person you intend to give to would like.”
> 
> Changbin was exasperated. He turned Felix back to him. “What would you like?”

Felix shivered from the cold winter breeze the second he stepped out of their dorm. Clad in his black knitted sweater and dark burgundy winter coat, he hugged himself tighter, wondering if he should just put on one of the coats Changbin gave him which were thicker and warmer than the one he was wearing. He shook his head. _No. I’m fine._ He checked the time on his watch and then started running towards the car where their manager was waiting for him.

“One of these days you’ll trip and I’m gonna have to take care of you,” the manager told him, tone chastising.

“No, you’re going to be yelling at me while my members take care of me.”

“Not when they’re so tired they can barely walk.”

Felix scowled at him. His manager winked at him playfully. Their manager is like the invisible tenth member of Stray Kids. He was like their oldest brother.

“Don’t worry about me, hyung. I can take care of myself.”

“You say that now.” Okay, sometimes he reminds Felix of his mum a little bit.

“Fine.”

Felix closed his eyes for a bit. His muscles ache and his limbs were sore. They had been in the practice room since 10 pm last night, making sure they can dance their new routine in their sleep. They decided to end practice 7 this morning when half the group was literally on the floor, utterly exhausted from nine hours straight of just dancing.

Felix really could think of anything but sleep. But just when he thought he would have his much-awaited reunion with his fluffy bed, Chan pulled him to the side and told him to sleep for two hours tops then head to the recording room. He did not really say why. Felix did not press for more information. He just asked their manager to drop him off in the company.

When the car reached JYP Entertainment, Felix got out as fast as possible and started running towards the recording studio, cursing his phone alarm. He set it on his intended time but when it went off, half-asleep Felix pressed the snooze button. And when it rang again, he did the same. Six times it rang. Six times the snooze button was pressed.  His roommates were in their own deep slumber that no one could have mushed his face with a pillow to wake him. Hence why two hours doubled into a full four-hour sleep.

 _Shit, shit, shit._ Felix cursed at himself. He’s so late. He did not even know who he was meeting. At first, he thought Chan asked him to meet in the recording studio but then he saw the leader passed out on the sofa, still on his dance clothes, right hand clutching a bag of chips. Felix thought that he would most likely be meeting with their producers and a chill crept up on his spine. Those people were very strict with their time. He was sure he would get chewed out for his tardiness.

When he got to the recording studio, breathless from all the running, he turned the doorknob to see someone he least expected to be there. Changbin was sitting in one of those black, leather, spinning chairs, tapping his pen on the desk with his eyes closed, completely oblivious to the arrival of another person. Confused as to why the older rapper was in the studio when hours earlier, he was whining about his limbs aching, Felix just stood there, wringing his hands, waiting for Changbin to open his eyes. One. Two. Three minutes passed and Felix thought he might have to make his presence known. He faked a loud cough and Changbin jolted in surprise.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”  

Changbin shook his head. “I think I need to cut on the caffeine. I’m so jumpy these days.” Felix sat on the sofa as the older made a terrible attempt at tidying his mess on the table before turning his chair on Felix and smiling apologetically. “Sorry I didn’t hear you come in.”

Felix told him it was fine, that he has not been standing there for long anyway, and that Changbin seemed to be so lost on his thoughts that he felt bad about having to interrupt whatever he was thinking. Changbin told him about how he planned on working on their new song, start writing the lyrics, but today was one of those days when it was just difficult for him to write anything, as if all the words in the world could not fit in whatever he wanted to convey.

Felix nodded through all of this. It had been long since they talked like this. They haven’t had an interaction where it was just the two of them in months and now it felt like they were both weighing their words carefully. It felt awkward. Instead of being friends who had been in a group for almost a year, they felt like strangers talking, trying their best to make a good impression on the other. It was sad how they find themselves in the situation. It made Felix regret how he turned their easy-going friendship into this awkward mess with just one confession over his unrequited feelings.  And it peeved him how Changbin could have just broken his heart and forgot about it, but decided to went out of his own way to acknowledge Felix’s presence as little as possible.

“Um,” Changbin started. He was looking anywhere but Felix. “Well, I guess Chan-hyung already told you about ---”

“Channie-hyung only told me to come here.”

Changbin looked surprised and anxious. “Oh. That’s all he told you?”

Felix nodded, getting irritated by the second, half from the lack of sleep, half from his irritation on himself that he was finding it difficult to talk to Changbin after not talking to him for so long. “Why am I here for exactly?” He winced. He did not mean for his tone to sound so sharp.

It did not escape Changbin’s ears and he leaned back on his chair to withdraw, as if the younger’s tone stung him. “I came up with an idea.” He was putting on a fake cheerfulness that he knew was not fooling Felix, but he kept on it anyway. “I told Chan-hyung about it three days ago and he brought it up with the management and I guess they were cool with it. I’m just not sure if you are too.”

Intrigued, Felix asked plainly. “What’s the idea?”

“A collaboration.” Changbin grinned. “I mean, after reading some comments online I guess people really want to hear us in a song.”

“You mean, the two of us?” Felix asked bewildered. He remembered the time when he used to envy Chan, Jisung, and Changbin. He even begged to be part of 3racha. He would not say he did not envy them now, but he no longer had any desire to be one of them. 3racha was their thing. Felix respected that. Felix could find other people to form their own thing with him.

Felix’s eyebrows furrowed, forehead wrinkling. “Aren’t you supposed to do this with Jisung? You guys are the main rappers.”

Changbin did not think about that at all. He had 3racha with Jisung and Chan. If Chan’s fine with it, why wouldn’t Jisung be?

“I was thinking of a style similar to what we did in N/S, kind of a trap beat.” He remembered he specifically wrote N/S in a way that would suit Felix’s voice as suggested by their leader. Afterall, all the members know that the younger Aussie attracts a lot of fans with just his voice. “I just think it would suit your voice best.” Shrugging, he said, “And I’m sure Jisung is fine with it.”

But Felix was unconvinced. “Did you ask him?”

“No. But…” Doubt began to grow in Changbin. Jisung would be fine, wouldn’t he? Why shouldn’t he? Should he ask him? “Do you think he’ll be offended?”

Felix thought for a while. He knew Jisung well enough to know that sometimes, the other gets hurt and act as if it was nothing. His mind flashbacked to Music Bank in Berlin where German Stays sang ‘Happy Birthday’ for Felix but not for Jisung. Even though it was technically Felix’s birthday and Jisung had been the day before, he could tell Jisung felt a little hurt. Felix loves Han Jisung like a brother. He is one of his treasured friends. He would not want him hurt if he could help it.

“I just don’t know if it’s okay to have the two of us in a song before you guys have your own collaboration. I’m just a lead rapper. You guys the main ones.”

Changbin’s ears did not like the sound of Felix’s saying that he’s just a lead rapper because it sounded like he was underestimating himself, as if his role in the group is replaceable and unimportant. Maybe this is the result of getting the short end of the stick in their line distribution, something which they did not mean to. It’s just that with a voice as distinctive as Felix, sometimes the feel of the songs they were going for just does not suit it. Which is also the reason why Changbin is convinced they should do this collab.

“We already have 3racha where we can showcase our rap styles. I don’t think we have anything to worry about.”

Felix nodded. But he was not going to risk it. “Can we ask Jisung first?”

Changbin was reluctant as there was no need. Jisung would approve. He wanted to start on the song. He wanted Felix to write it with him. That was actually the reason he asked him to meet him there. But he agreed with Felix to ask Jisung first anyway.  

Once they settled it, the atmosphere turned awkward again. With nothing to talk about, Changbin was tense. Thinking that this talk was over, Felix got up to leave. He was about to bid bye to Changbin when the latter got to his feet and suggested they have lunch. Changbin looked hopeful. Hopeful for what, Felix had no idea. Maybe for food. Maybe to rekindle their friendship. Felix decided he did not need to know. He just needed to eat. Well, he was thinking of eating first before going home anyway.  

“Let’s go eat, hyung.”

 

* * *

 

 

They found themselves in a pizza place in a peaceful street near a playground. Both of them did not notice they were hungry until they started digging in to their food with vigor. They ate in silence. Felix reckoned that would be better than them trying and shamefully failing at small talk when neither of them knew what was going on with each other’s lives other than those shared in their group. As soon as they were finished, they split the bill, and Felix thought he could finally get some sleep at their dorm. Then his phone buzzed and a message from Jeongin flashed.

The maknae wanted cake.

“Hyung, is there a cake shop near here?”

“There’s one across.” Changbin replied, pointing at the rows of shops across the pizza place. Felix squinted his eyes and spied the hobbit hole-inspired cake shop.  Changbin asked. “Do you want to eat cake?”

The younger shook his head. “Jeongin does.”

They left the pizza place. Felix thought Changbin would go back to the company but instead, he was crossing the street with him. He stared curiously at the older man. “I don’t feel like going back yet,” was all Changbin said. They entered the shop, bought strawberry cheesecake for the maknae and chocolate for all.

“Let’s check this place for a bit,” Changbin said, pulling the younger to a flower shop two stores from the cake shop. Felix did not even notice it before. Inside, it looked like his family’s greenhouse back in Australia. He smiled sadly. He missed his family.

He turned around to see Changbin inspecting rows of tulips and daisies. A feeling of curiousity bloomed inside Felix.   _Is Changbin planning to give someone flowers? Is that why they were there? Who could that person be?_ Felix scowled at himself. He should not be asking these questions. It was none of his business.

“What do you think?” Changbin asked, as if Felix was the florist.

“I don’t know. We should ask the florist.”

“No. I mean, are these pretty enough to give someone?”

Felix thought about it. Seriously, if Changbin wanted to give some pretty trainee flowers, he should not feel annoyed about it. “Depends on the person really. What flowers does she like?”

“She?” Changbin asked, puzzled, as to why a ‘she’ was mentioned.

“The girl you’re giving them too. What does she like?”

When Changbin seemed to be still clueless about what he was talking, Felix tried to clarify. “Her preferences or personality. That might help you choose for the flowers.”

Changbin felt like slapping himself for not putting two and two together right away. Of course, Felix would think. Why would they be in a flower shop anyway? Changbin did not even know what possessed him to come to a flower shop. It’s the most cliché thing in the world.

Changbin thought the other could be thinking he’s weird just by the way he was looking at him. “Hyung?”

“A guy,” Changbin blabbered in panic. He cleared his throat at Felix’s confused face. “A friend, actually. A really close friend.”

As soon as he said it, Changbin wanted to run out of there and hide himself in a hole where no one could find him. It did not help that Felix became silent for a while.

Thoughts were running wildly on Felix’s head. What Changbin said would explain all the overzealous display of affection. It would explain all the unnecessary flaunting of cuddles in the practice room or in the dorm.

He felt a stab in the heart.

_Silly, stupid Felix._

He shook it off and tried his best to sound as unaffected as possible. “Hyunjin likes white. Maybe he’ll like white lilies.”

Something crashed in Changbin’s head. Something isn’t right in what Felix just said. “Hyunjin? What makes you think I’m giving Hyunjin flowers?”

Hope bloomed inside Felix but he paid it no mind. “You two are really close. It would not be surprising if you develop feelings for him.”

“HYUNJIN?” Changbin cried in indignation. “HELL NO!”

Startled, Felix said apologetically as he turned his attention back to the flowers, “Alright, Changbin-hyung. Just pick something that you think the person you intend to give to would like.”

Changbin was exasperated. He turned Felix back to him. “What would you like?”

 

* * *

 

 

Changbin dragged Hyunjin brutally from the living room to Chan’s bedroom, tugging his right arm, ignoring all protests from the latter. Jeongin, and Jisung watched, amazed and petrified at how short Changbin-hyung could easily drag someone bigger than him like a ragdoll.

“What the hell?” Hyunjin demanded as soon as Changbin let go of his arm. He had such a tight grip Hyunjin felt like a bruise was forming.

“Yes, what the hell,” echoed Chan, quirking an eyebrow at the two, half curious, half annoyed at them for barging in unceremoniously into his room, and disturbing him in the middle of his work.

Changbin ignored them and started pacing the floor back and forth. Chan and Hyunjin exchanged looks. The former shot him a questioning stare. The latter shrugged at that. Changbin was shaking his head, as if trying to rid himself of negative thoughts, before turning back to his friends.

“Does it look like I like Hyunjin?” He demanded angrily, as if the suggestion offended him.

“I’d be really offended if you don’t, hyung.” Hyunjin griped.

“ _No_ dumbass, that’s _not_ what I mean!” cried Changbin.

Hyunjin gasped, horrified. “You can’t possibly mean like as in _like_ , right? Hyung! We’re like brothers.”

“Exactly!” motioned Changbin in exasperation.

Chan could feel a headache coming. “Somebody explain to me where this is coming from.”

“FELIX!” Changbin screamed in answer.

Chan rolled his eyes. “I figured it involves him but do explain.”

Changbin took a deep breath. He does not even know how Lee Felix could get an idea as atrocious as this. “FELIX THINKS I LIKE HYUNJIN! LIKE, LIKE HIM AS IN _LIKE_!”

Hyunjin blanched. “This is getting disgusting by the second.” The thought of Seo Changbin as someone more than a friend is offensive. Being an only child, Hyunjin considered his members as his brothers, and Changbin is his closest brother.  

Changbin threw himself dramatically in front of Chan. “Hyung, what is happening to the world? How could he think that?”

Chan laughed at the absurdity of it all.

“This is no laughing matter!” cried Changbin. Hyunjin agreed.

“Of course,” indulged the leader. He was quiet for a little bit, contemplating what to say or how Felix could come up with this thought. Knowing the younger Aussie, it would not be a surprise. Sometimes, Felix’s imagination really is something else.

“You two do seem very close.” He told them matter-of-factly.

Hyunjin confirmed. “We are.” Then he clarified, “Like blood brothers.”

“Yeah. But especially close right after Felix confessed to you and you rejected him. Changbin, you did plaster yourself too much on Hyunjin while you were ignoring Felix.” The leader reminded him.

“That was because I did not really know what to do with the situation. I felt awkward around him. It’s true I did intentionally make myself and Hyunjin almost attached on the hip but that didn’t mean I’d like to kiss Hyunjin.”

Hyunjin smirked. “We all know who you want to kiss, hyung.”

Chan spoke before Changbin could shot the youngest of the three with a sharp look.  “Yeah but with your closeness, it would not be hard to imagine that you could develop feelings for each other.”

The rapper exclaimed. “Not when we see each other like real brothers!”

“You once saw Felix like a brother and he once saw you as a hyung and now look at the both of you.” The leader pointed out. “You fell for each other.”

“It’s different.” Then in a quieter voice, Changbin said. “Surely, he must know that.”

Chan sighed. “Sometimes how we feel does not always translate to how others perceive them. Especially when we haven’t told them of said emotions.”

 “I don’t want him to think I got feelings for another person.” Changbin confessed. “Especially not for one of our members.”

Then he asked.  “Should I be more forward with him?”

The leader played with the stress ball lying unsuspecting on his desk. “Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t know, Binnie. As much as I like to think I’m good with these things, I’m really not.”

Hyunjin made up his mind. “I’d talk to him tomorrow. I really want to clear my name out of this narrative because gosh! This is like pairing me up with one of my cousins.”

“Not before I talk to him first,” Changbin told the younger. Hyunjin nodded.

Seeing that they already arrived to a solution, Chan went back to his computer. “Now get some sleep and leave me to work in peace.”

 

* * *

 

 

Changbin had been tossing and turning in his bed for two hours. They all had gone to bed early. Their music video shoot call time tomorrow would be 2 am. He really hated early dawn shoots. It would be too cold and too quiet and for a night owl like Changbin, that would mean he barely had any sleep at all. But that night he might have rested easy. He only had one hour of sleep when they went home from practice yesterday and then he headed off to the company, to the music studio, to start writing and putting his ideas on what he hoped to be his and Felix’s song. But while his body was exhausted down to the core, his thoughts were running wild inside his mind. It bothered him so much that Felix really thought he liked Hyunjin. It would mean that he was intentionally hurting Felix with his actions for the past months, parading it in his face that he rejected him because he had someone else in his heart. It made him seem crueler, like he never really cared for Felix’s feelings. It was as if Changbin was flaunting his feelings for another person without a care that he might have been causing too much pain to someone else. It was not like Felix could just turn around and run when Changbin was plastering himself on Hyunjin, being lovey-dovey and all, when they were all in the same group. It would look like all those months, Changbin was taunting him and mocking his feelings. If that was the case, Changbin thought, Felix might think Changbin is a heartless jerk that does not deserve his attention.

Changbin got out of bed, tossed on his jeans and jacket, put on his cap, grabbed his wallet and ran out of their dorm and towards the street. It was only nine thirty. The whole city was still alive. Some people might spot him and think that he was just jogging in the late night to spare his skin from the harsh sun in the day. In reality, he was running, hurrying for something he should have done months ago. Right when Lee Felix told him of his feelings and Changbin decided to repressed his. Out of breath, he paused. _How could he not have any idea of the implications of his actions?_

 

* * *

 

Felix closed their bedroom door, ready to fall flat on his fluffy bed, and sleep. Jeongin and Woojin were still in the living room, watching the finale of God knows what drama they’ve been hooked to. Felix plopped on his bed, smiling happily ready to drift off to dreamland.

_Knock._

_Knock._

_Knock._

Felix groaned. It had only been five minutes and someone was already hauling him off his dreamland.

He stood up and opened the door.

Changbin was standing there, looking at Felix like a deer caught in headlights, clutching a bouquet of yellow roses in his hands.

“Do you need something, hyung?” He asked, cautiously.

Stammering, Changbin stretched out the hand with the flowers towards Felix. “Here.”

Felix stared. At the flowers. At Changbin. At the flowers. Then back at Changbin again.

 When it was clear, he was not going to say something anytime soon, Changbin went out with it. “Please take it. They’re for you.”

Felix took the bouquet. Confused now more than ever. Not making sense of Changbin’s actions. “Thank you.”  

Before returning to his own bedroom and ending the night, Changbin wanted to make one thing clear to Felix.

“I never liked Hyunjin the way you suggested. He’s handsome but he’s like a real brother to me that I couldn’t see him as something more even if I tried.”

“Okay, hyung.”

Felix wasn’t sure why it seemed like it was very important for Changbin to make it crystal clear. He also wasn’t sure why the other had just given him a bouquet of yellow roses. And he wondered even more at how the older could have had known that yellow roses were his favorite, considering that he really did not answer his question earlier in the flower shop.

“I- I want you to know that.”

Felix smiled a gentle smile, sweet as his smiles usually are. It made Changbin’s head spun.

“Good night, Changbin-hyung.”

Feeling the blood rush to his cheeks, Changbin replied shyly. “Good night, Felix.” He walked back to his bedroom and flopped on his bed, hiding his blushing face on his pillow.

Closing the bedroom door, Felix could not help the smile that escaped his face. He really had no idea what was going on in Changbin’s mind. But it was his first time to get a whole bouquet of his favorite flowers. So, he let his heart swell at Changbin’s sweetness, even if he was still confused as to what it was for.

“What’s the flowers for?”

The unexpected voice made Felix jump. He turned around to meet Jisung’s questioning eyes. He really did not know the exact answer to that. He shrugged.  

“Back to sleep, Sungie.”

Lying on his bed, Felix could not get rid of the feeling on his chest that it took him a while to sleep that night. And when he did, he dreamt of yellow roses and a certain rapper he had been trying to forget these past months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If it isn't obvious, this is my attempt to put the Changjin ship to rest. So for Changjin shippers, don't kill me! They're really cute and I love their friendship buuuuut Changlix is life. 
> 
> I might have projected myself too much into Felix with the yellow roses thing. But it might also be because I feel like Felix is like a yellow rose. Beautiful and vibrant and just full of life.


End file.
